MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition
Computer Jokes
MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition
of Windows 10 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If
you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help
understanding the commands.
The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening
screen.
It reads WINDERS 10 with a background picture of the General Lee
super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke
screen saver.
Also note:
- Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
- My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
- Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys
- Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
- Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
- Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
- Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage
bag and duct tape.
- OK = ats aww-right
- cancel = hail no
- reset = awa shoot
- yes = shore
- no = Naaaa
- find = hunt-fer it
- go to = over yonder
- back = back yonder
- help = hep me out here
- stop = ternit off
- start = crank it up
- settings = sittins
- programs = stuff that does stuff
- documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 10 does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders 10:
- tiperiter…………….A word processor
- colering book…………a graphics program
- addin mershene………..calculator
- scratch paper ………..notepad
- jupe-box …………….CD Player
- inner-net…………….Microsoft Explorer
- pichers………………A graphics viewer
- IRS………………….M/S accounting software
- IRS2…………………M/S accounting software with hidden files
- coon dog……………..American kennel club records
- fishin……………….Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
- NRA………………….National Rifle Association
- shot gun …………….Remington Arms price list
- riffel……………….Winchester price list
- pisstel………………Smith & Wesson price list
- truck………………..Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code
- house………………..Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
- car …………………same as truck, just need two lists in Texas
- cuzzins………………family history usually a 3 meg file
- tax records…………..usually an empty file
- shells……………….ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file
- bud………………….list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
- racin………………..NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV
stations that carry the race car n’ truck
- Parts…….nearest Junk yard by zip code
- doc …………………veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a
copy of the Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement version.
Some of you are not particularly adept in the use of the computer, so I
thought it well to pass along some hints on how to use your computer
efficiently with the Internet.
Remember that the information with which you are dealing is in the form of
electrons. Electrons are very small (so small that it takes two full
professors of physics and a graduate student just to see one), but they
are real entities with mass and weight and which occupy space. This can be used
to your advantage.
For example, electrons have mass and weight and therefore are subject to
the laws of gravity. So if you are downloading a file from the net, the
process can be made faster by having your computer, hard disk, and modem BELOW
your telephone jack so gravity can speed the process. On the other hand, when
you upload a file to the net, hold your computer, hard drive, and modem ABOVE
your telephone jack, thus combining uploading with a brisk cardiovascular
workout. If your phone jack is at floor level, have it raised or your
downloading will always be slow.
You will note that when uploading, the weight of your hard disk becomes a
real factor. You can reduce the weight of your hard disk in two ways.
First, remove all unnecessary files and store them on a separate storage
device. Secondly, change the typeface and size of all retained files to 3
point Times Condensed. Considerably less space and hence, fewer electrons and
less weight will be on your hard drive.
The Internet is complex and delicate and easily thrown out of balance.
Therefore, it is important to balance carefully your downloads and uploads
so that they are roughly equal. (The Internet can compensate for small
imbalances.) If you have just downloaded an 8 megabyte program you should
immediately upload an 8 megabyte transmittal. The easiest way to do this is to
create (by cut and paste) an 8 megabyte file of gibberish which you can transmit
to a friend or news group chosen at random. (For all you
AOLers, just click the FORWARD button when you receive a FWD: and make sure that
it goes out to your entire recipient list, those generally take
up about 8 MB as well.
A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about
computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or
"Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he
found two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group
was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE"
because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the
problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have had a newer and better model.
The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as "SHE"
because:
1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible
to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
================================
It’s really not too difficult to fix your own hard drive, if the problem is a
head crash, or the infamous Seagate "traction" problem, if you know what to do.
You will require #4/0 steel wool, Varsol, WD-40, a few hand tools, and about 45
minutes.
First, you need a clean room, so make sure the garage door is closed before you
begin. Move those old lawnmower parts off the bench.
Disassemble the sealed unit and carefully wash all parts with Varsol. Bend the
read/write heads out of the way and then disassemble the platter stack.
VERY CAREFULLY buff the platter surfaces with the #4/0 steel wool. This will
remove any existing data, level out any surface defects, and help to
redistribute the magnetic media and fill in those pesky "bad sectors" that most
drives have.
Reassemble the platter stack, and using a .015" feeler gauge, bend the
read/write head back to the platter surface, using the feeler gauge to set the
gap. This is a slightly higher gap than the factory uses, but it reduces the
chance of head collisions with any flotsam you neglected to remove.
Give the head and platters a good shot of WD-40 and reassemble the unit. If your
drive has a filter, replace it with a clean section of gauze pad.
All that’s left is to low level and DOS format the drive, and you’re back in
business.
I haven’t tried this yet myself, but my friend’s wife’s sister-in-law’s husband
knows a technician who does it all the time.
==================================================
Now that Bill Gates has moved into his brand spanking new house in the Seattle
suburbs, the following is a conversation overheard last week: Bill: "There are a
few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first
90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little
smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release
date."
Bill: "We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living
room; or you can use Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room.
By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch… the
chairs on the table… etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use
some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put
it back when you’re done."
Bill: "Uh… I dunno… issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The
bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the
wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That’s easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll have to
upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do
I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You’re kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: "<sigh> Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests
over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure
drops so low that the showers don’t work."
Contractor: "That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture fails to terminate
and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn
off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you’ll
be back on track."
Bill: "That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, remember, if you don’t like it, nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near
the end of 2000. Actually it was due out earlier this year, but we’ve had some
delays…"
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
The Shiftkey FAQ – Version 0.001
by Alan Meiss
Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift
keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them
out?
A. Nope, they’re the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at
the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit
staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this
feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen
Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something
naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author’s Shift Key Burn-In
Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it’s your computer, but
don’t say I didn’t warn you.
q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters
and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps
your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe
you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also
consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with
lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".
Q> I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT’S STUCK DOWN NOW>
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard
frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation.
First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling
as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub
thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool.
Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld
blow-dryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to
clean the lint screen when you are finished.
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys
labeled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your
hands more frequently for that matter.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labeled with an
excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be
thankful you’re using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them
confusin’ words ‘n stuff on it.
Q. I’m sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is
there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the
shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your
computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word
"shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard
closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat
this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before
the feature works reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two.
Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts.
Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make
little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it’s better
to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren’t. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears
much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because
of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at
night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a
distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my
computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100
terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don’t worry about it.
Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn’t seem to work. What’s wrong?
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the
problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these
keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness.
Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead
with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in
dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.
1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created
the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God
separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was Good.
3. And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let the
Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and
compact disks.
4. And God said – Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy
disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called
them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big…And
told them – Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new
programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed
the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and
sub-volumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said – It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone
from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the
Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does;
And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was
Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to
the User – Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
11. And the User answered – God told us that we can use every program and every
piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User – How can you talk about something you did not
even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be
able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to
use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could
replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the
Programmer that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God
asked him – What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered: "I am looking
for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS". And God said :" Who
told you need drivers? Did you run Windows?" And the Programmer said :" It was
Bill who told us to!"
16. And God said to Bill – Because of what you did you will be hated by all the
creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always
sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User – Because of what you did, the Windows will
disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy
programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer – Because you listened to the User you will
never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them
and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it
with a password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT
Warning: There’s a new virus on the loose that’s worse than
anything I’ve seen before! It gets in through the power line,
riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the
serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction one’s disks
spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy,
West Dakota alone! And that’s just in the last 12 minutes.
It attacks DOS, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac,
RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, and VHS systems.
To prevent the spread of the worm:
1) Don’t use the power line.
2) Don’t use batteries either, since there are rumors that this
virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the
positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just
the negative pole.)
3) Don’t upload or download files.
4) Don’t store files on floppy disks or hard disks.
5) Don’t read messages. Not even this one!
6) Don’t use serial ports, modems, or phone lines.
7) Don’t use keyboards, screens, or printers.
8) Don’t use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or
mainframes.
9) Don’t use electric lights, electric or gas heat or
air conditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the
wheel.
I’m sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this
virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic fluids of
our computers can be kept pure.
—RTM III
of Windows 10 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help
understanding the commands.
The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening
screen.
It reads WINDERS 10 with a background picture of the General Lee
super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke
screen saver.
Also note:
- Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
- My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
- Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys
- Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
- Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
- Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
- Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage
bag and duct tape.
- OK = ats aww-right
- cancel = hail no
- reset = awa shoot
- yes = shore
- no = Naaaa
- find = hunt-fer it
- go to = over yonder
- back = back yonder
- help = hep me out here
- stop = ternit off
- start = crank it up
- settings = sittins
- programs = stuff that does stuff
- documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 10 does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders 10:
- tiperiter…………….A word processor
- colering book…………a graphics program
- addin mershene………..calculator
- scratch paper ………..notepad
- jupe-box …………….CD Player
- inner-net…………….Microsoft Explorer
- pichers………………A graphics viewer
- IRS………………….M/S accounting software
- IRS2…………………M/S accounting software with hidden files
- coon dog……………..American kennel club records
- fishin……………….Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
- NRA………………….National Rifle Association
- shot gun …………….Remington Arms price list
- riffel……………….Winchester price list
- pisstel………………Smith & Wesson price list
- truck………………..Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code
- house………………..Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
- car …………………same as truck, just need two lists in Texas
- cuzzins………………family history usually a 3 meg file
- tax records…………..usually an empty file
- shells……………….ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file
- bud………………….list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
- racin………………..NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV
stations that carry the race car n’ truck
- Parts…….nearest Junk yard by zip code
- doc …………………veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a
copy of the Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement version.
Some of you are not particularly adept in the use of the computer, so I
thought it well to pass along some hints on how to use your computer
efficiently with the Internet.
Remember that the information with which you are dealing is in the form of
electrons. Electrons are very small (so small that it takes two full
professors of physics and a graduate student just to see one), but they
are real entities with mass and weight and which occupy space. This can be used
to your advantage.
For example, electrons have mass and weight and therefore are subject to
the laws of gravity. So if you are downloading a file from the net, the
process can be made faster by having your computer, hard disk, and modem BELOW
your telephone jack so gravity can speed the process. On the other hand, when
you upload a file to the net, hold your computer, hard drive, and modem ABOVE
your telephone jack, thus combining uploading with a brisk cardiovascular
workout. If your phone jack is at floor level, have it raised or your
downloading will always be slow.
You will note that when uploading, the weight of your hard disk becomes a
real factor. You can reduce the weight of your hard disk in two ways.
First, remove all unnecessary files and store them on a separate storage
device. Secondly, change the typeface and size of all retained files to 3
point Times Condensed. Considerably less space and hence, fewer electrons and
less weight will be on your hard drive.
The Internet is complex and delicate and easily thrown out of balance.
Therefore, it is important to balance carefully your downloads and uploads
so that they are roughly equal. (The Internet can compensate for small
imbalances.) If you have just downloaded an 8 megabyte program you should
immediately upload an 8 megabyte transmittal. The easiest way to do this is to
create (by cut and paste) an 8 megabyte file of gibberish which you can transmit
to a friend or news group chosen at random. (For all you
AOLers, just click the FORWARD button when you receive a FWD: and make sure that
it goes out to your entire recipient list, those generally take
up about 8 MB as well.
A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about
computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or
"Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he
found two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group
was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE"
because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the
problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have had a newer and better model.
The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as "SHE"
because:
1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible
to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
================================
It’s really not too difficult to fix your own hard drive, if the problem is a
head crash, or the infamous Seagate "traction" problem, if you know what to do.
You will require #4/0 steel wool, Varsol, WD-40, a few hand tools, and about 45
minutes.
First, you need a clean room, so make sure the garage door is closed before you
begin. Move those old lawnmower parts off the bench.
Disassemble the sealed unit and carefully wash all parts with Varsol. Bend the
read/write heads out of the way and then disassemble the platter stack.
VERY CAREFULLY buff the platter surfaces with the #4/0 steel wool. This will
remove any existing data, level out any surface defects, and help to
redistribute the magnetic media and fill in those pesky "bad sectors" that most
drives have.
Reassemble the platter stack, and using a .015" feeler gauge, bend the
read/write head back to the platter surface, using the feeler gauge to set the
gap. This is a slightly higher gap than the factory uses, but it reduces the
chance of head collisions with any flotsam you neglected to remove.
Give the head and platters a good shot of WD-40 and reassemble the unit. If your
drive has a filter, replace it with a clean section of gauze pad.
All that’s left is to low level and DOS format the drive, and you’re back in
business.
I haven’t tried this yet myself, but my friend’s wife’s sister-in-law’s husband
knows a technician who does it all the time.
==================================================
Now that Bill Gates has moved into his brand spanking new house in the Seattle
suburbs, the following is a conversation overheard last week: Bill: "There are a
few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first
90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little
smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release
date."
Bill: "We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living
room; or you can use Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room.
By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch… the
chairs on the table… etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use
some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put
it back when you’re done."
Bill: "Uh… I dunno… issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The
bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the
wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That’s easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll have to
upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do
I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You’re kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: "<sigh> Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests
over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure
drops so low that the showers don’t work."
Contractor: "That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture fails to terminate
and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn
off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you’ll
be back on track."
Bill: "That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, remember, if you don’t like it, nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near
the end of 2000. Actually it was due out earlier this year, but we’ve had some
delays…"
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
The Shiftkey FAQ – Version 0.001
by Alan Meiss
Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift
keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them
out?
A. Nope, they’re the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at
the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit
staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this
feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen
Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something
naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author’s Shift Key Burn-In
Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it’s your computer, but
don’t say I didn’t warn you.
q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters
and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps
your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe
you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also
consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with
lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".
Q> I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT’S STUCK DOWN NOW>
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard
frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation.
First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling
as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub
thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool.
Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld
blow-dryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to
clean the lint screen when you are finished.
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys
labeled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your
hands more frequently for that matter.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labeled with an
excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be
thankful you’re using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them
confusin’ words ‘n stuff on it.
Q. I’m sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is
there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the
shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your
computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word
"shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard
closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat
this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before
the feature works reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two.
Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts.
Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make
little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it’s better
to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren’t. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears
much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because
of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at
night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a
distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my
computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100
terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don’t worry about it.
Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn’t seem to work. What’s wrong?
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the
problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these
keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness.
Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead
with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in
dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.
1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created
the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God
separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was Good.
3. And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let the
Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and
compact disks.
4. And God said – Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy
disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called
them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big…And
told them – Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new
programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed
the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and
sub-volumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said – It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone
from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the
Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does;
And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was
Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to
the User – Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
11. And the User answered – God told us that we can use every program and every
piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User – How can you talk about something you did not
even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be
able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to
use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could
replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the
Programmer that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God
asked him – What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered: "I am looking
for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS". And God said :" Who
told you need drivers? Did you run Windows?" And the Programmer said :" It was
Bill who told us to!"
16. And God said to Bill – Because of what you did you will be hated by all the
creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always
sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User – Because of what you did, the Windows will
disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy
programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer – Because you listened to the User you will
never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them
and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it
with a password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT
Warning: There’s a new virus on the loose that’s worse than
anything I’ve seen before! It gets in through the power line,
riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the
serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction one’s disks
spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy,
West Dakota alone! And that’s just in the last 12 minutes.
It attacks DOS, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac,
RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, and VHS systems.
To prevent the spread of the worm:
1) Don’t use the power line.
2) Don’t use batteries either, since there are rumors that this
virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the
positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just
the negative pole.)
3) Don’t upload or download files.
4) Don’t store files on floppy disks or hard disks.
5) Don’t read messages. Not even this one!
6) Don’t use serial ports, modems, or phone lines.
7) Don’t use keyboards, screens, or printers.
8) Don’t use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or
mainframes.
9) Don’t use electric lights, electric or gas heat or
air conditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the
wheel.
I’m sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this
virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic fluids of
our computers can be kept pure.
—RTM III
